Insert cricket chirps, here…and a few confessions

No joke, the sounds of crickets are what I’m currently hearing as I begin this post. They’ve also filled the ears of my readers as they visit my blog since things have been pretty quiet around here, lately. I don’t mean them to be. Keep reading and I’ll do my best to explain what’s with the hold-up.

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In my perfect blog world, I’d be producing at least three fun, unique, interesting, inspiring and maybe even entertaining posts each week. That’s probably a goal of most bloggers and I’m no different. But I know that’s not my reality now and it really hasn’t been for a long time. I’m lucky if I get one post published a week and when I do, it’s usually just an update on my kids or some kind of product review. Sure, the updates are worth gold to me since they hold such sentimental value and give me memories to look back on for a lifetime (and then some). But that’s really not all I want my blog to be about. Not even close.

(Confession #1) I’ve been putting a lot of thought lately into what I want this blog to communicate to readers, and I just don’t feel like it’s a great representation of me nor is it heading in the direction I want it to go. I’m not proud of it but I want to be. I plan to dedicate a full post on the subject because I have tons of thoughts on why I feel this way and on my vision of how I want it to improve. I even want to change the name and fully rebrand it.

Not being satisfied with the general vibe of my blog right now is part of the reason why it’s been hard for me to continue writing and producing posts. I constantly have ideas for subject matter and have handfuls of drafts that are saved in my “dashboard” (hello, WordPress term) but it’s hard to find the drive to pour myself into them when I feel my blog is kind of driving aimlessly and in slow motion. But, there are plenty of other reasons that have kept my focus away from the blog.

(Confession #2) I think the most obvious of those reasons are my two girls. I’m a stay-at-home-mom and holy moly, I remember once thinking how much easier life would be to have the privilege to stay at home. I oughta slap myself across the face for thinking that. It’s definitely a privilege but it’s not easy. Not even close. And I admit that I’ve caught myself, a few times, wishing I was a working mom and someone else could care for my kids while I catch a daily break from it all. It’s not the physical work of being a mom that I find the most exhausting. I think it’s more emotionally and mentally taxing. Always putting myself last makes me feel like I’m becoming nonexistent. I feel like I’m losing myself and sense of identity. The fact that I’ve been sleep deprived for the past 5 months has also been taking its toll. I constantly find myself tired, unfocused, unmotivated, a little on edge, hazy and overwhelmed. When I do get a few minutes to myself, I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing. I don’t want my brain to have to think about anything, let alone pull itself together to articulate thoughtful blog posts. Throughout this post already, I’ve had trouble typing and even spelling common words that usually aren’t trouble for me. I lose my train-of-thought often, too.

(Confession #3) Another part of life, at the moment, that’s had my mind distracted from the blog is my marriage. This is another hot topic that I want to discuss here on the blog, but I think it’s best to wait until I’m in a place, mentally, where I can sort of reflect on this time in our lives in a more fair way. I don’t want to air dirty laundry or throw anyone under the bus, but I do think that opening up about the struggles that occur between husband and wife when kids are brought into the picture is an important one to have. So many times I see images on social media of married couples looking so happy and perfect while raising a handful of kids and I’ve often found myself feeling envious. But, as I’ve talked more openly to other moms about what I’ve been experiencing, I’ve learned that what I’m going through with my husband is more common than I had thought. These “perfect” family images that fill my Instagram feed may be lovely to look at, but I have to remind myself that no marriage is perfect all of the time. Portraying these happy moments is great and all, but I do wish that more people would also throw in some raw, honest truth into their feeds every now and then. Life is full of dirty and ugly moments, and wouldn’t it be nice to see more often that we’re not alone with our daily stresses, awkwardness and frustrations?

For now, until I post in more detail about our personal issues, I’m going to be general and say that my husband and I don’t get along when we have babies in the picture. We argued a ton when Mia was born and throughout her first year. Things were improving as she grew older until we had Margo. We’ve been arguing over the same crap that we did with Mia. We differ in how we parent. We differ in our views of routine. We differ in our order of priorities. We’re both stubborn. We both agree that we don’t feel like we’re tackling this parenting gig as a team. On top of the exhaustion that I feel from raising my kids everyday, I then have to deal with the exhaustion that is our marriage. On a lighter note, we have been getting along (for the most part) over that last week so that’s progress in itself for us. But I want more than just “getting along”. We need to reconnect, respect, support, have fun, laugh, play and just enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t lost faith in our ability to get there.

DSC_2752 copy-2*Relating to this image. Parts of me are in focus, but overall, I’m feeling caught in a blur.*

A few other things that are distracting me from the blog:

  • I’m trying to spend some time improving my photography skills (I’ve been feeling very rusty) and I want to also spend time promoting Misty Jeanine Photography. One of my biggest goals is to grow into a full business and to one day be a very desired photographer. I’m not there yet by any means, but I’m working on it.
  • My sewing machine has been calling my name. It sits in plain view each day and I’ve been itching to get back to sewing. I want to spend some time increasing my inventory for my Etsy shop. It’s pretty sad and bare right now. I have buckets and bins of fabric that are just dying to be turned into bibs, burp cloths, blankets and more.
  • My house is in a constant state of disarray, always cluttered with toys, laundry baskets and miscellaneous items that just can’t seem to find a permanent home. Proper storage and closet space is seriously lacking in this house so keeping everything in a “home” is really tough. I feel like a robot each day, putting the same crap away and doing my best to organize but it’s very time consuming and overwhelming. It keeps me from doing anything that makes me feel like a person (you know, interests, hobbies, etc). The good news is that a few of us on our street are having a garage sale next month, so I’ll be devoting a lot of time until then going through our overabundance of crap and setting items aside to sell.
  • I started going to Wundabar Pilates classes a few evenings a week. That crap is hard! I hate how expensive it is, but my body can really feel the workout it’s getting. Muscles that haven’t been used in forever are finally being put to work. After this month of membership is over, I’ll probably take a break from it until I’m getting more sleep at night. I don’t feel like I’m able to physically give it my all and properly do the workout correctly when I’m sleep deprived from the last 5 months. I’m averaging 5-6 hours of interrupted sleep each night. I’m a hot mess! But now that Margo’s naps are regular again, I can take up jogging on my treadmill in the garage once it cools down a bit. My fitness and physical health need to be made a priority ASAP.
  • An upcoming project (actually, I should have started on it yesterday!) that will be sure to take a chunk of my time is making our costumes for Halloween. Of course, I already know what we’re going to dress up as. Are you surprised? Don’t you know me but at all?? I really want to reuse Mia’s first costume (check out her handmade owl costume, here) for Margo this year since I spent so much time on it. It would be a shame to only use it once. So the rest of us will follow suit and be “birds of a feather”. I’m going to be a flamingo, Mia wants to be a peacock and Dominic is undecided. He’ll either be a bird watcher (*fingers crossed* That would be super easy to put together) or a toucan. You can see all of our past DIY costumes, here. I love Halloween!

So….with all of that going on, (you know, life) blogging has been bumped lower on my list of things to do and rightfully so. It’s still on there, though. At the very minimum, I do my best to get the updates of my girls on here because if I don’t I fear I’ll forget it all. If you’ve been following the blog or know me personally, I have a terrible memory. Like, scary bad. I don’t remember my own childhood and I want to cry at the thought of forgetting my own children’s childhood. So…I blog and I take a butt load of pictures.

Boy, I’ve got a lot on my plate. Maybe that’s why I feel so overwhelmed. Can’t I just hire a life coach to step in and help me prioritize and organize my everyday, my goals and overall life?! If it weren’t for the blog, though, I’d really feel like I’m living out the movie “Groundhog Day.” Each day feels the same as the last and the blog has been a great way for me to connect to other bloggers and parents. I’ve made some good friends and have connected with great companies. Thanks to everyone who continues to visit and actually reads my rambling. I hope you stick around through this weird funk I’m in on the blog and in my personal life.

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Comments

  1. HI! I just started following your blog after Margo was born. I just had my second baby, Emma (2 under 2!) and have been feeling the exact same way you are describing! Feel like I’m failing my oldest, can’t stand my husband and haven’t had more than three hours of sleep in two months. Insert messy bun and crazy eyes. :)
    It has been so nice to read your words and know I’m not alone. Just wanted to say thank you so much for your openness and honesty.

    • Wow, Mama…I’m feeling the stresses of having two young ones, but 2 under 2 is a whole different ball game. I’ve often found myself saying “Thank goodness for the 3 year age difference between my girls”…I think back to when Mia was 2 and I’m like, hell no! I woulda gone insane if Margo was born then. I CAN tell you, that I know exactly what you mean by “failing the oldest.” Please know that this is temporary…and that sooner than you think, your oldest won’t remember what life was like before baby. They will adjust. It’s definitely hard for us Moms to not be able to give the oldest the same attention we used to. I’m so sorry that your marriage is affected as well. Before my babies, my husband could do no wrong. After, he can do no right! :( I do hope, if you two are like us, that as your children grow that you’ll learn to respect each other again. That’s the hope that I’m holding to, at least. Thank you so much for your comment. From one exhausted mom to another, hang in there. Focus on the big picture and hopefully all of the little shit will fall into place. And buy more wine, duh.

  2. Just wanted to drop some encouragement on you and tell you that I continue to read and enjoy your blog. You share that you feel it isn’t going where you’d like but it is still interesting. Your point of view and humor have me chucking when I get that extra second to myself to peruse emails and check FB. From mama to mama, you’re doing great!

    • Gloria, thank you for sharing this with me. Definitely boosted the good vibes over here. And I’m glad to know that the blog isn’t coming across the way I’m feeling it is. *thumbs up*

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